It’s time to bake a cake and stick five candles in it and celebrate the fifth birthday of Obamacare! Wait a minute. On second thought, you might not want to do that. After all, assuming that you currently do have health insurance and you’re not one of the nearly three million Americans who lost their plans, chances are that your government-approved plan won’t cover minor injuries like burning yourself, tripping and falling while carrying the cake in a darkened room or having your butt mistaken for the donkey’s by a blindfolded child, assuming you’re prone to playing Pin The Tail On The Donkey. (By the way, I understand that’s not a very popular game with the likes of Nancy Pelosi and Harry Reid…although I know many Americans would love to play if those two played the roles of the donkeys.) Besides, even if you have a plan, you might not be able to afford treatment as deductibles tend to range from $3,000 to $5,000 for individuals and from $6,000 to $10,500 for families. Plus, Michelle Obama wouldn’t be happy with us eating cake, so we’d best pull out some kale and watch a low-fat, low-carb, gluten-free, smoke-free candle video on YouTube.

But don’t be down about all this! After all, a birthday is a cause for celebration and besides this train wreck of a health care system (It’s ok; everybody likes trains!), the Obama administration fulfilled one major promise by bringing us Hope and Change. So many of us just Hope that Obama and his allies will stop trying to ‘help’ us before they end up ‘helping’ us into either the poor house or the grave and everyday, as Obama tries to be even more ‘helpful’, we find that these government programs are leaving us with little more than a little change in our pockets. So I suppose that’s one promise Barack Obama has kept.

Now, we should probably take a minute to reflect back on the past five years of Obamacare. It was a hard struggle just to get the bill passed in the first place. After all, not a single Republican in either the House or the Senate deigned to vote for it. Apparently, those bigoted, elitist, rich Republicans are too good to vote for a bill like Obamacare for such petty reasons as party rivalry, the fact that it has the potential to crush business and disenfranchise millions of Americans from their health plans while expanding the Medicaid rolls and putting even more strain on an already overstressed system and the loss of our individual liberties, whether it’s business owners being told that their freedom of religion has to be put on the back burner for the ‘greater good’ or citizens being forced by government mandate to buy something whether they want it or not. I mean, where do those evil Republicans get off trying to look out for our economy and our liberties?!

Thank God for those wonderful Democrats who stood their ground and didn’t even hesitate to vote for a bill they hadn’t even read. After all, like Nancy Pelosi said, we’d all find out what was in it by passing it. If we had more publishing houses that approved projects under those criteria, we’d have so many books of equal quality to Hillary Clinton’s last book and that’d be great for bookstores. After all, that way, they’d never have to worry about going through the hassle of ordering new inventory because their shelves would always be stocked with books that no one has any desire to read and inconvenience anyone by having to sell them.

Now we have the sort of change that the President has been striving for. Just look at some of the changes:

From January to September of 2014, 8.38 million more people gained coverage! Of course, only  893,000 of those signed onto private plans while 7.49 million signed onto Medicaid. That means that 89% of the coverage increase was due to expanding Medicaid. Yes, that puts a lot more stress on the system, but there’s a simple solution: We’ll just raise more taxes. After all, everyone’s just fine paying more taxes. That way, the government is better able to take care of us…much like a nanny.

On the taxes front, the government is already way ahead of us. Obamacare has already lead to 18 new or increased taxes, that will draw $771 billion from Americans from 2013-2022.

Of course, paying your taxes may prove to be a challenge, but challenges build character, so that’s ok. You see, 800,000 people on Obamacare health plans were sent the wrong tax information from the federal government. Don’t worry though; most of those corrected forms have now been sent out…except for about 80,000, whose corrected forms have still not come out.

But things could be worse. Around 7.5 million people on Obamacare are receiving subsidies because the only way that the Affordable Care Act is affordable for so many is if the government that mandates it also helps pay for it. So, if those subsidies were to go away, there’d be 7.5 millions Americans suddenly without coverage again…in addition to the roughly three million who already lost coverage before…and then those poor unfortunate souls will have to be fined money they can’t afford to pay because they don’t have insurance they can’t afford to pay for while gaining no benefit by paying those fines other than providing more funds for the government.

So, everybody take a little time to sing Happy Birthday to Obamacare, quit worrying so much about losing those pesky little individual freedoms that this country was built on, eat your kale chips and blow out the candles on your computer screen.