Defining The Real Man

By Jesse Broadt

I have heard so many ladies ask, “where are all the ‘real’ men?” However, in my experience, many women who claim to have finally met a great man, immediately set out to reinvent him, in an effort to design a fake version of the original. I do not understand this dynamic any more now than I did 30 years ago. I mean, did he enjoy going to the ballet before you were married? It may be time to analyze our perspective of “real.”

A real man loves and respects a woman, and goes the second mile to make her happy whenever possible. He does not merely love her body, possessions, or status, he loves the whole person. Real men focus their attention on a woman’s true beauty, which is found in her character, not in her looks, wardrobe or bank account. Real men solve problems, take the lead when necessary, and protect their home, wife and children from harm. Now that we’ve gotten through the boring stuff that everyone already knows, let’s get down to it:

Real Men do Not Turn Romantic Lines Over Breakfast

Real men do not spontaneously turn flowery lines similar to those found in paperback novels–unless they’re gay. If I was single and looking for a “real man” and a gentleman approached me to tell me I “have the loveliest eyes he’s ever seen and since the eyes are the window to the soul, my soul must be lovely as well,” my phony meter would bounce off the graph and I would run.

Real men rarely speak that way. That’s why they have a difficult time meeting women. They’re constantly trying to come up with great romantic lines, but it’s just not in their nature to be that complicated, theatrical and dramatic. Therefore, they usually either don’t talk at all, or they go whole hog eyes-are-the-window-to-the-soul deal and wonder why the eyes rolled and the gal walked away.

I would definitely, however, befriend a man who says “wow, dude, she’s hot,” as I walked by–provided he turns around and studies his hamburger with undivided concentration when he realizes I overheard. In my humble opinion, that means he’s real enough to say what he’s thinking, but polite enough to be embarrassed if he knows I heard him. That’s a real man. Sorry if I destroyed any fantasies.

Husbands are much more apt to say “you look really nice,” than “I don’t think you’ve ever looked more beautiful than you do this morning, my darling one and only love.” Of course, they can be trained to spit out lines, but in my opinion, you train a seal, not a person.

I’d rather just laugh at the “real” foibles: “Well, honey, you said you wanted an exercise bike, so I got you one for Valentine’s Day. What’s wrong with that? ” That never happened to me, but if it did, I guarantee you I would be laughing too hard to get angry.

Real Men Forget Anniversaries

Real people forget dates. Therefore, real men eventually forget anniversaries, birthdays and other special days. In fact, they only remember Valentine’s Day because of all the advertisements. No, ladies, that does not mean they do not love you. People forget dates. Men are people. It’s wise to refrain from throwing temper tantrums when a man forgets something, because if you’re in a relationship for the long haul, you’re going to be throwing a lot of temper tantrums.

Real Men do Not Have ESP

Over the 47 years of my mad existence, I must have heard “if he loved me, he would know,” at least 10,000 times. ESP is not a factor in reality. A man can love a woman with all his heart, but it does not make him clairvoyant. It only adds fuel to the fire to tell him what’s wrong and then add “you should have known.” It’s what he does when he realizes you’re upset that matters, not whether or not he could read your mind in advance.

Real Men do Not Over-Analyze

Women say their husbands do not “think about their relationship enough.” Well, women are correct. Real men do not sit there scrutinizing relationships unless it’s obvious that something’s wrong. Then, they go ask another guy what to do. (Sigh.) However, they rarely get a spontaneous urge to analyze everything and fix what isn’t broken. That’s our department.

Real Men Have a Life

Real men pursue passions that do not involve their wives or girlfriends. This is because real men have outside interests. Women who are threatened by this should do some soul searching: no one should ever be wholly defined by a relationship.

Real Men Need Personal Space

The need for personal space never goes away. In fact, any woman who trolls her boyfriend’s Facebook page or grabs her husband’s phone to “check up on him” is taking her relationship on a shortcut to the morgue. Obviously, the same is true in reverse, but I’m picking on women right now.

Real Men Are Not Doormats

Real men do not live in a perpetual mode of “yes dear.” Naturally, the “yes dear” factor is always there: “No, honey, I’d rather you not hike up your pant leg to show off your tattoo at my cousin’s formal wedding.” It’s true that men usually take the path of least resistance if it’s something that’s really no big deal anyway. After all, he can show off his tattoo later and avoid being lectured on the way home from the wedding.

However, real men do not hide their opinions, become whipping boys for their significant others’ bad day, or do something simply because the woman threw a temper tantrum. That last dynamic is another shortcut to the marriage morgue. In other words, real men respect themselves enough to refuse verbal or physical abuse, as should everyone.

Real Men do Not Imitate Donald Trump

Finally, real men do not act like Donald Trump. Everyone knows the picture that went viral: the pathetic narcissist holding the umbrella over his own precious hide, while his wife and little boy struggle along behind against the wind and the rain. Of course, that’s a bad example. The Crotch Grabber-in-Chief barely qualifies as a human being, much less a man, husband, father, or leader.

Unlike Donald Trump, real men do the things feminists get angry over. They hold doors, tune up our cars, mow lawns, and lift heavy objects. They even change flat tires. In fact, I never remember my husband saying “do you want to hop out and change it or should I?” He really doesn’t even expect me to get out of the car, unless I want to stretch my legs. However, these things have a way of balancing out: he gets to say “what’s for dinner?” instead of standing there staring at the stove like it’s a Rubik’s cube. Yes, I do think some chores naturally fall toward one gender as opposed to the other. You can get violent and throw lizard gizzards at me for that, it’s cool.

Nevertheless, regardless of our individual opinions on how to split up chores and other weighty matters, if a man simply models himself after the complete antithesis of that sad excuse for a human, Donald Trump, he automatically becomes the best role model in existence. This is because real men do what Donald Trump does not; they treat others–including their wives or girlfriends–the way they want to be treated. Whether or not it comes out perfect enough to suit the other person ultimately depends on her maturity level. However, if everyone treated other people the way they want to be treated, the endless, petty nonsense that most couples fight about would blow away in the wind.

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3 thoughts on “Defining The Real Man

  1. You outdid yourself on this one Jess! Let’s be REAL and not this put on, unrealistic, imposed “phony men” act! Haha You told it like it really is instead of trying to make the man into something he is not! Yeah! And I must say that you hit it right on when you said that women should not be going through their man’s phone, etc. What an invasion of privacy that is, and the same for men who do that! Bravo! Keep up the excellent writing!

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